Ben's Island Matchmaker
by Jesus.Lives
Summary: Don't spend the hiatus crying! There's a special broadcast from the Orchid Station. And YOU can tell Jacob who you want matched on LOST. NOW: CHARLOTTE. Which of our 6 mystery bachelors will be her dream date? Let our host Ben know who YOU want NOW!
1. Kate's Matches

**Disclaimer:** Do I own Lost or does it own me? Dang. It owns me... well.. maybe Ben does.

* * *

We interrupt this two week LOST hiatus to bring you this:

_- START THEME -_

_- Ben's Island Matchmaker -_

**Ben:** Welcome, I'm Benjamin Linus and you're tuned into Island Matchmaker. The show communicated from the top secret island which acts as a perfect getaway for all couples desiring to crash on the beach, make new friends and heal rapidly. Just ask Rose and her husband Bernard.

**Rose:** Oh no. Don't bring us into this.

**Bernard:** Yeah, I'm just a dentist.

_- Bernard looks around shiftily. Rose looks back to the camera and leaves, tugging Bernard down the beach._

**Ben:** Last week we matched a happy couple Desmond and Penelope - let's check up on them now.

_- Desmond and Penny float on a raft away from the island. Waving a white flag and holding a sign saying: "Civilization or Bust"._

**Desmond:** You had nothing to do with us, brother.

**Penny:** Yes, I came here from tracking the freighter.

**Ben:** And you're still one of the least resourceful women on this island. How does that feel?

**Penny:** Des? Any way we can make this raft go any faster? This guy is creeping me out.

**Desmond:** Aye brother. He's been doing that to everyone here.

**Penny:** Did you just call me brother?

**Desmond: **Well, what'd you expect? - I've been stuck inside a bloody hatch for 3 years!

**Ben:** Oh, it seems our happy couple isn't so happy anymore. I'm sorry Penelope. We're going to have to throw you to the smoke monster.

_- John Locke steps in front of the camera, stopping the camera shooting._

**Locke:** I thought you didn't know anything about the smoke monster.

**Ben:** I lied, Bachelor number 3. I always lie. How many times do we have to go through this?

**Locke:** So you lied even when you told me that my father only hated me because I have mad hunting sk1lls and he was jealous?

**Ben:** Especially then.

_- Ben looks exasperated and turns back to the cameras._

**Ben: **So live from the Orchid Station we'll ask Jacob and YOU the viewer to help pair our bachelorettes with the bachelors already on the island.

_STATIC - God loves you, as He loved Jacob - STATIC_

**Ben: **Sorry about that. Technical difficulties. No subliminal messages. Just good old fashioned, regular technical difficulties. We do live on an island after all. OK. Let's go to the Orchid station and meet our first bachelorette.

_- Ben enters the Orchid Station and rides down the elevator to the vast greenhouse below. Seated in the front is KATE AUSTIN._

**Ben: **Our first victim... uh, guest... is Katherine Anne Austin. The most paired female on the island. When she's not being indecisive about whether she loves Jack or Sawyer more, Kate likes to take long walks in the jungle - preferably armed. If Kate's your girl, be prepared to watch as she runs around with the boys until she decides the next moment she wants to be a mother and will hurt you if you disagree with her. Now let's bring out the bachelors. The bachelors are hidden behind this screen, so Kate here won't know who's trying to manipulate her... I mean, win her over.

_- The bachelors come out, sillhouttes behind a screen._

**Ben:** Guys. Say hi.

**Bachelor 1:** Hi Kate.

**Bachelor 2:** What? Oh. Hi.

**Bachelor 3:** Hi Ben. When are we going to discuss the smoke monster?

**Ben:** You're supposed to be saying hi to Kate, bachelor number three.

**Kate:** It's OK, I know it's Locke.

**Bachelor 3:** It's not Locke. It's some other guy who cares about all the mysteries on the island. Like Booster.

**Kate:** You mean Boone?

**Bachelor 3:** Yeah, him. Or taller Walt. Or maybe even Scott.

**Bachelor 5:** It was Steve, dude.

**Bachelor 4: **Hey Fre... I mean Kate.

**Bachelor 5: **Dude... uh, dudette. Hi.

**Bachelor 6:** H-Hi.

**Ben:** And that's it for Kate's selection. Soon Kate, you'll be up for a romantic date with one of these studs at one of three locations: Frank Lapidus's helicopter, the ever so romantic hatch or the closet I used to lock Alex in when she was disappointing me.

**Bachelor 4:** Hey, bud. I'm the only stud around here.

**Bachelor 1:** Can I state for the record that Bachelor 1 is rolling his eyes?

**Bachelor 2:** We're all rolling our eyes, wise-guy.

**Ben:** OK. You guys will get your chance with Kate after the break.

**Kate:** I've already made my mind up. I'm picking Vincent.

**Ben:** Vincent is already set aside for Juliet. He's one of the only ones I won't kill for touching her. Unless he licks her. Then he's man's best friend no more.

_- Matthew Abaddon comes out from behind the camera._

**Abaddon: **We're going to have to do another take of that Ben. You've got to stop mentioning Juliet. Do you want to scare our viewers? Now ominous guy in the background, keep that gun in the back of our technical producer.

_- Richard sticks the gun in Sayid's back as he directs the camera on Ben._

**Sayid:** I thought I was getting off this island.

**Richard:** Not until we up our ratings with this cheap gimmick.

**Sayid:** Like the cheap gimmick of you never aging?

**Richard: **Yeah, but that gimmick is getting me contracts with Oil of Olay.

**Ben:** Stay tuned for Kate's match after this break.

_STATIC - God loves you as He loved Jacob. Ben may kill you as he killed Vincent. That only makes sense if you take note of the shows senseless time lapses. Come to the after show party at Jacob's cabin, Christian's shout. Jack's appendix up for auction. Desmond Hume wins Constant of the Year. - STATIC_

* * *

**Now what do you think? Who are Bachelors 1-6? **

**If you can guess correctly Jacob will hear your desire for who you want to be with Kate (and grant her the dream island date of a lifetime) - no cabins attached!**

**Quicker the reviews - quicker the update!**

**So NOW - Let Jacob know - "Kate should be matched with..." and feel free to add anyone as you never know what can happen on "Ben's Island Matchmaker"!**


	2. Kate's Matches 2

* * *

**A/N:** _Goldylokz was the first to guess the bachelors but the top choice (Bachelor 4) also gets a moment._

* * *

_- START THEME -_

_  
- Island Matchmaker -_

_- The Bachelors are still behind a screen. Kate is sitting and Ben is reviewing his script. Bachelor 5 turns to Ben._

**Bachelor 5:** Dude, where's that chicken you promised?

**Bachelor 2:** Hold it Tubby.

**Bachelor 4:** Hey, Tubby is my pet name for him.

**Bachelor 2:** So no one else but you can call Tubby Tubby?

**Bachelor 4:**You need another restraining order, Kung Pao Chicken?

**Bachelor 5:** Don't talk about chicken, Dudes. I'm waiting for my chicken I was promised for being on this stupid show.

**Bachelor 3:** Didn't you get the memo? Ben lies... apparently.

_- Ben takes off his glasses and addresses the camera._

**Ben: **Welcome back, I'm Benjamin Linus and you're tuned into Island Matchmaker. Take a journey to the Orchid Station - well known for being the current plot point of the series. While it's not known yet what it is, and what it does we thought it would make a pretty neat sound stage to exploit our island cohabitants. So Kate, do you think you know who the bachelors behind the screen are?

_- Kate crosses her legs and rolls her eyes._

**Kate:** You could have at least tried to disguise their voices.

**Ben:** Jacob says that's not in the budget. Anyhow, the questioning is open to you Kate. What do you wanna ask the boys?

**Kate:**OK guys. Purely hypothetically of course. Would you care about me less if I killed my dad and stole someone's baby?

**Bachelor 1:** Of course not. I wouldn't even think less of you of the baby was my half-sister's and you had an on-again, off-again, kinky island relationship with some other guy when you got bored of me.

**Kate:** Yeah, like that doesn't happen every three episodes. Bachelor 2?

**Bachelor 2:** Define care, freckles.

**Bachelor 4:**OK, that's it! You wanna go, squinty?

**Bachelor 2:** Bring it on.

_- A few punches can be heard from behind the screen._

**Bachelor 3:** Were you doing it for the island?

**Kate:** No.

**Bachelor 3:** I'd have to say "yes" then.

**Bachelor 4:** Course I wouldn't sweet-cakes. As long as ya don't sleep with the doc.

**Bachelor 1:** Just you wait till we get off this island.

**Bachelor 5:** Dude, that's not cool. So where's that chicken?

**Bachelor 6:** Um... well... see... the thing is... I'm only here to do some research... and I'm not sure if I should... ahem... uh... care for...anybody except my constant.

**Bachelor 2:** He wouldn't care. Bachelor 6 doesn't have any of his own opinions on anything.

**Bachelor 6:** Hey, that's not true. I'm just cautious.

**Bachelor 2:** Right.

**Bachelor 4:** Want me to punch him for ya, Weird Science?

_- another punch is heard._

**Ben:** Alright. If you're ready I'll bring out the bachelors.

**Kate:** I want Bachelor 4.

**Ben:** That's nice. But unfortunately Jacob gets to pick the man for you. So who have we got?

_- Jack, Miles, Locke, Sawyer, Hurley and Daniel Faraday come out from behind the screen._

**Ben:** Now, I'm introducing Christian who is here to talk on behalf of Jacob.

_- Christian Shephard comes out, shadowed. He steps into the light._

**Locke:** I know that guy!

**Sawyer:** Join the club, baldy.

**Jack:** I'm not insane. I'm not insane. I'm not insane. Is anyone else seeing my father here?

**Christian Shephard:** Thanks, I'm glad to be here on behalf of Jacob. Jacob says he's been reviewing the situation and his match is... drum roll please...

_- There is a drum roll. Kate sits on the edge of her seat._

**Christian Shephard:** Me. That's right. I am your perfect match.

**Miles:** Can somebody say "fraud"?

**Sawyer:** Takes one to know one Giant Wang.

**Ben:** So, you can now choose which location to have your ultra romantic love-fest.

**Kate:** How about nowhere?

**Ben: **You have chosen the burial site of the Dharma purge. I hope it's as romantic for you as it was for Locke and I.

**Locke:** You call shooting me romantic?

**Ben:** I thought you liked it rough.

**Miles/Sawyer:** Only when he's the guy doing the roughing up.

**Hurley:** Dudes are you sure you guys aren't like, the same character?

**Ben:** So Kate... are you ready for your date?

**Kate:** Fine. But can I at least have one dramatic kiss with Sawyer before I go to my doom?

**Ben:** Sure, I can't see why not. This is a pathetic ploy for ratings after all.

_- Kate and Sawyer become attached at the lips for the next ten minutes. Ben watches his watch._

**Ben:** OK. We've wasted enough time grossing out Jack - now it's time for your date with Christian...

_- Jacks gagging is heard in the background._

**Jack:** Uh, still grossed out here.

**Ben: **And time to bring out our next bachelorette Claire Littleton!

_- Claire comes out waving._

**Claire:** Hi everyone.

**Ben:** Who will our next bachelor list be? Let me know and I'll stick them in the line-up.

**Miles:** Hey, skinhead... got any more grenades? Because I think I'd rather have one of those between my teeth right now.

_- Locke hands a grenade over to him._

**Ben:** See you next time on Ben's Island Matchmaker!

* * *

**Claire's bachelors should be WHO? Press that button and let Jacob, Ben and crew know!**


	3. Claire's Matches

**A/N:** _Great suggestions guys! Miles and Sawyer got a fight last chapter, and it looks like two more bachelors are heading towards a fight this time. Here it is:_

* * *

_- START THEME -_

_- Island Matchmaker -_

_- The bachelors are sitting behind a screen. 6 seats, as usual. Claire gives the camera a nervous smile. Ben takes off his glasses and addresses the camera._

**Ben:**It's time for Ben's Island Matchmaker. The only show in which YOU can tell Jacob who you want to pair our lovely bachelorette's with. Stay tuned for a bachelor's addition coming up shortly. Last week, Jacob paired Kate up with Christian Shephard - the possibly dead father of one of her current boyfriends. Let's check up on them.

_- New footage comes up on the screen of Kate and Christian digging out the dead bodies of the Dharma purge, shovels in hands._

**Ben:** Hi guys. How has your romantic date been?

**Kate:** Fine. We're just cleaning up your mess. No need to thank us.

**Ben:** Oh believe me, I won't.

**Bachelor 1:** Hey! Shoveling was supposed to be our thing!

_- Sayid comes out from behind the camera._

**Sayid:**And torturing was supposed to be our thing.

**Bachelor 6:** And running around the jungle was supposed to be our thing.

**Kate:** Look, Christian has promised to get me off this island, and although I've been promised it by half the male population on the island, I choose to believe him.

**Ben:** So there you have it... another success story with Ben's Island Matchmaker.

**Bachelor 5:** Just like Jacob and I.

**Ben:**I should have never called you a "chosen" one. Ahem. Last time we brought out Claire Littleton and THIS time we're introducing you to the bachelors she might be matched with. Let's start with Bachelor 1.

**Bachelor 1:** Ben hasn't hurt you, right Sweetheart?

**Claire:** Nah, he just gave me some of these needles, but I think they're wearing off now.

_- Claire waves over Richard who doses her up with another injection. She smiles in a daze._

**Claire:** All good.

**Bachelor 2:** Hey, that's not fair. You get at me for doing drugs...

**Claire:** But I need them for the pain of seeing my father on a date with Kate.

**Bachelor 6:** Hey Ominous guy we don't know the name of - drug me up over here too!

**Ben:** Alright. The winner not only gets the girl, they also get the drugs stashed at Jacob's cabin. Can we get back to it? Bachelor 2?

**Bachelor 2:**Score! Free drugs! I mean... who resurrected me? Seriously. Didn't I have a tragic enough death not to be resurrected for a game show?

**Rabid Fangirl 1:** Peanut butter forever!

**Rabid Fangirl 2:** Drive Shaft forever! Sob!

**Sayid:** . You said Shaft.

**Ben:** And to think, I was going to get you to kill for me, that's the last time I trust an Iraqi.

**Sayid:** Don't blame me. I've been spending too much time with Hugo.

**Ben:** Bachelor 3?

**Bachelor 3:** You think your situation is bad? I'm supposed to be blowing up this Orchid Station not sitting on a sound stage!

**Ben:** Bachelor 4?

**Bachelor 4:**Hey cool, I was resurrected too... and I'm here to kidnap your baby. Ohhhhh...

**Ben:** Shut up. You're only here because I owed Juliet a favor.

**Bachelor 4:** But I thought you loved me Ben.

**Ben:** Bachelor 5?

**Bachelor 5:** When do I get to be matched with Jacob?

**Ben:** Patience Bachelor 5. OK. Bachelor 6?

**Bachelor 6:** Regarding the recent revelations I really don't think that I should be here.

**Ben: **You're right. We tested "incest" in season one and that led to two characters with no other storylines to be killed off - granted they were the most annoying characters on the show, but it just proves that incest doesn't work. OK, Jack. Come out here and we'll replace you.

_- Jack comes out and stands behind Claire. A new figure sits in his place._

**Bachelor 6:** Aye, I be the replacement.

**Bachelor 4:** . Is he dead too?

**Bachelor 2:** No. He wishes he was dead. He's just jealous that I'm the hero.

**Bachelor 6:** Aye, that I am brother. Wait. My visions are coming back. Yep. I'm seeing visions of you losing this game show... to me.

**Bachelor 2:** You were the worst friend ever.

**Bachelor 6:** Hey, you can't argue with mysterious visions that come and go like your death sentence.

**Ben:** OK, that's our bachelor line-up so now it's your chance to tell us who they are and tell Jacob who you want Claire to be matched with.

* * *

**Ding, ding, ding. Review with the 6 Bachelors and your pick! "Claire should be matched with..."**


	4. Claire's Matches 2

**A/N:** _And the correct guess is... Goldylokz again! I know you said Keamy would be hilarious... BUT everyone wants fuzzy Chaire stuffs. Maybe there will be hope for Claire and Keamy yet though. _

* * *

_- START THEME -_

_- Island Matchmaker -_

_- The bachelors are sitting behind a screen. 6 seats, as usual. Claire gives the camera a nervous smile. Ben takes off his glasses and addresses the camera._

**Ben:** Welcome back. We've been sitting with Claire. How was your reuinion with your father?

**Claire:** Fine as long as you keep those drugs a coming.

**Ben:** So, Jack is your brother. How do you feel about that?

_- Claire turns around and slaps Jack._

**Claire:** You jerk! You were so busy being survivor savior that you didn't care to protect me from druggies or baby stealers on the island! Some older brother you are!

**Bachelor 2:** She's got you there, mate.

**Bachelor 6:** Aye.

_- Jack rubs his cheek._

**Jack:** But I had my appendix out! I'm a hero! I'm the man! Everybody loves me!

**Bachelor 5:** Yes, but are you the chosen one?

**Jack:** Yes, I am. My tattoo says so apparently... even though I can't read it!

**Ben:** Anyway Claire, you have a chance to ask your six bachelors a question. So do it.

_- Ben stares meanacingly at her._

**Claire:** OK. Guys, if you had to tell Aaron a bedtime story - what story would it be?

**Bachelor 1:** It'd be about finding your home.

**Bachelor 6:** Aye, you mean like a dog?

**Bachelor 1:** No, I don't mean like a dog! I mean like now I'm on this island it's like I found a home.

**Bachelor 5:** With a smoke monster.

**Bachelor 1:** Yeah, ol' smokey and I have come to an understanding.

**Bachelor 3:** So have ol' smokey and I. That everything living on this island is going to go bam.

**Ben:** Bachelor 2?

**Bachelor 2:** Little turnip head always used to like it when I'd tell him stories about Rock n Roll.

**Bachelor 1:** Because he's the only one that'd listen.

**Bachelor 2:** You're just jealous because you didn't have fangirls.

**Bachelor 1:** Yeah, I have fangirls. Um, I have Kate... and uh... Jack. And that dead chick... oh yeah, Ana Lulu.

**Jack:** I'm not your fangirl!

**Bachelor 1:** Sure ya are Dr Quinn, you just don't know it yet.

**Ben:** Bachelor 3?

**Bachelor 3:** Yeah, there once was an island... and a bunch of C4... and a crazy guy that I'm going to torture horribly until we get off this island. His name was Ben.

**Claire:** I think I've heard that story before.

**Ben:** Bachelor 4?

**Bachelor 4:** I'd tell a story about how kidnapping isn't always bad and how I wasn't sleeping with Juliet so Ben shouldn't have sent me off to die.

**Ben:** Bachelor 4 seems to still have some issues. Shoot him again Bachelor 2.

**Bachelor 2:** I'd be happy too.

**Sayid:** I thought I was your shooting guy Ben. You used me!

_- Sayid runs off crying._

**Ben:** You can all be my killing machines. You can't be worse than Michael is. Bachelor 5?

**Bachelor 5:** There once was a magical place called the island, and it's handsome strong protector...

**Jack:** Named Jack right?

**Bachelor 5:** No, not named Jack. Me. I'm the island's protector.

**Ben:** Finally... Bachelor 6?

**Bachelor 6:** Aye, mine would be about joining the priesthood brother, and then the army... and then pressing a button for three years.

**Claire:** Is it just that story or am I getting a little sleepy?

**Ben:** So the men behind the curtain... uh... screen are:

_- Sawyer, Charlie, Keamy, Ethan, Locke and Desmond come out._

**Ben:** OK. Jacob can't be here today. And he sure isn't communicating through me any more. So Bachelor 5, what's Jacob telling you about Claire's match?

-_ Charlie passes Locke a note._

**Locke:** Um, it's telling me that for the island's sake, I have to pair Claire with a dead guy.

_- Charlie gives Locke a covert thumbs up._

**Locke:** And that dead guy is Ethan.

_- Charlie's face falls. Locke bursts out laughing._

**Locke:** I'm just kidding. It's you, Charlie. But you'd better keep your promise to sing the island soothing music every night.

**Claire:** Oh Charlie.

_- She embraces Charlie and Charlie turns to Ben._

**Charlie:** Great. So where's my free smack?

**Claire:** This was just about the drugs? I'll give you a free smack.

_- She slaps him then knees him in the groin. He falls._

**Charlie:** Ow. I didn't think this would still hurt after death.

**Ben:** Well, there you have it. Another happy couple matched by Ben's Island Matchmaker? We'll find out next episode when our next bachelorette Charlotte Staples Lewis from the freighter gets to be paired with Jacob. Um, by Jacob. Stay tuned!

* * *

**Who should Charlotte's bachelors be? Let Jacob know NOW to influence the next chapter!**


	5. Charlotte's Matches

**A/N:** _Those ideas to have Charlotte paired with guys from the freighter is just awesome. It's just too bad Jacob's choosing for her..._

* * *

_- START THEME -_

_- Island Matchmaker -_

_- Ben poses in front of the camera. He indicates to where Charlotte now sits._

**Ben: **Welcome back. We're here attempting to let our favorite redhead from the freighter (note to Sayid: finish her off for me) be matched by Jacob, the mastermind behind the whole island.

**Charlotte:** Um, you're not having anything to say about who I'm matched with are you?

**Ben:** Why? A bit paranoid are we?

**Charlotte:** Well you tried to bloody kill me!

**Ben:** Tried. I've really got to see someone about that stupid island stopping me from killing people - Locke, you - Charlotte... you'd think I just don't have it anymore. Anyway, last week we got Charlie and Claire back together. Right now they're at Jacob's cabin with the stash. How's it going?

_- Charlie and Claire come on the screen - both of them look dazed._

**Charlie: **No way man, we're not doing any drugs. That'd set a bad example. You can tell my brother I'm staying clean.

**Claire:** Why would Desmond care that you're clean?

**Charlie:** Not Desmond, my real brother. Not like it matters now I'm dead.

**Claire:** You're not dead, you're just... um... life challenged.

**Ben:** So it seems you guys have been going pretty well since we last left you?

**Claire:** What can I say? Charlie's much more attractive in a dark, dank cabin filled with drugs.

**Charlie:** Hey, chicks love me for my music.

**Claire:** Oh, do you hear music? I do. It's spooky.

_- Charlie gives Claire a weird look. We're back on Ben again._

**Ben:** OK. You kids have fun. (Note to self: take Juliet to drug stash cabin so I might have a shot.) You know how this works - Bachelors come out. Charlotte asks them a question. And Jacob decides despite her protests. So let's bring them out.

_- The Bachelors come out and sit behind the screen._

**Ben:** Alright. Time to say "hi" to Charlotte.

**Bachelor 1:** Oh. One of the "science team".

_- A gun being loaded is heard behind the screen._

**Ben:** If anyone is going to be killed, I'm doing it. Or my Iraqi fall guy. Everyone needs a fall guy. And a lackey.

**Bachelor 2:** Benjamin, just one question. Who's manning the camera's while I'm here?

**Ben: **Oh, the camera's have an auto-switch. We just wanted to make it look like you were actually useful on this island. We do it all the time actually. Don't you remember those walkie talkies?

**Bachelor 2: **They weren't actually broken? But I used all my mad technology sk1llz on them. Oh, and hi Charlotte. It's cool now I know you're not actually as bad as Keamy. You're part of the wussy freighter team.

**Bachelor 1:** They wish they could be as bass ass as me... I mean "men" - those manly men that are taking Ben down. Not me.

**Bachelor 3:** Charlotte? You don't have to do this. We're secondary characters, they can find someone else.

**Charlotte: **It's alright. I don't mind being matched. As long as it's not with Miles, or Frank, or Mikowski, or any of the guys from the freighter.

**Bachelor 4:** Shot down, Genius.

**Bachelor 3:** Is this because I didn't make you my constant?

**Charlotte: **No of course not. I'm not siding with the enemy because I'm having a womanly hissy fit about your bloody constant. Why would I? It's not as if you spoke two words to Desmond while he was here.

**Bachelor 4:** Yeah, yeah. Can we just get this over with? I've got something to take care of. And it involves shutting Charlotte up for good.

**Bachelor 1:** Great, want a gun?

**Bachelor 4:** Yeah, sure. I'll put it with the grenade I got from Locke. Soon I'll have enough to deal to the hostiles.

**Bachelor 5:** Hey Charlotte. You seen a cow around? I think it might have taken off with some of my equipment.

_- Charlotte gets out of her seat, riled._

**Charlotte:** A cow? You're not referring to me are you?

**Bachelor 3:** Now just calm down Charlotte. We can work this out.

**Bachelor 6:** Hey Charlotte. I think we... um... met once or twice. I was on the freighter.

**Bachelor 4:** Oh yeah, this yahoo was a janitor.

**Bachelor 2:** I'll have you know that that yahoo isn't a janitor. He's...

_- the rest is muffled. Ben shakes his head._

**Ben:**So there we have it. 6 men willing to whisk you away to a secretive location on the island. Just as long as it isn't the Dharma purge site or Jacob's cabin.

**Charlotte:** Great. Can we chose to get back on the freighter.

**Bachelor 1:** Oh, I don't think you'd want to be going there.

**Charlotte:** Why?

**Bachelor 6:** I'd listen to the man if I were you. Stay away from the freighter.

**Charlotte:** Fine. Then I pick the Barracks.

**Ben:** Great. So as a consolation prize for having to put up with Charlotte, the winning bachelor will be privy to my top secret wardrobe. Yes, now you can have the style of Ben all to yourselves.

**Bachelor 1:** Pass.

**Bachelor 2:** Pass.

**Bachelor 3:** Pass.

**Bachelor 4:** Pass.

**Bachelor 5:** Pass.

**Bachelor 6:** Pass.

**Charlotte:** Pass.

**Ben:** Fine. Don't want to look like me. I'll have my own way of humiliating each and every one of you - just like the time I had Hugo eat those 15 year old crackers.

... See you next time on Ben's Island Matchmaker.

* * *

**"The Bachelors are"**

****

"Charlotte's match should be..."

**- Let Jacob know NOW!**


	6. Video

NOTICE!

Another chapter will be up soon. Instead I was busy making a Lost video. It's a Charladay/Maomi (Miles/Naomi) vid and it's at youtube. Username: **thatboyeasy**

**Look it up and let me know if you likey!**


	7. Charlotte's Matches 2

* * *

**A/N:** _It was a tie between CharlotteLewis and GuitarHeroLost. So I let both win! Yay! Feel the love with this chapter._

* * *

_- START THEME -_

_  
- Island Matchmaker -_

_- Camera does a close up shot on Ben. Nope too close. It backs off._

**Richard: **Whew, guys that was a close one. We almost captured the pure evil look of death on Ben's face. When are we getting Sayid back here to man the cameras?

**Ben: **Never. I need him to kill off the annoying characters, like Keamy.

**Bachelor 1:** Hey!

**Ben:** Well Charlotte, do you have a question for your men?

**Charlotte:** Oh, of course. What would your perfect idea of a second date be?

**Bachelor 1:** Shooting range. Actually, that's also the first date. And the third. Fourth. Maybe fifth.

**Bachelor 2:** We'd get some foreign food. Have a picnic on the beach. Unless I had to kill you. So I guess my question would be, would I have to kill you?

**Everyone:** ??

**Bachelor 3:** I-I don't really know.

**Charlotte:** What do you mean you don't really know?

**Bachelor 3: **I-I hav-haven't exactly had too many second dates.

_- Bachelor 4 snickers._

**Bachelor 4:** Or any dates.

**Bachelor 3:** Look Charlotte, I-I know I'm not really yo-your first choice on this dating show thing... and you could do so much better but...

**Charlotte:** That's not true.

**Bachelor 3:** It's not?

**Bachelor 4:** What? It's not? Who are you kidding?

**Charlotte:** It's not. I want to stop the show. Ben, it's over. I choose Bachelor 4.

**Bachelor 3:** 3.

**Charlotte:** Oh, 3.

**Ben:** How touching. But no. Jacob will match you.

**Charlotte:** But I said I wanted off.

**Ben:** Yes and I want people to give me an award for being the most mysteriously creepy person on this island. We all want something Charlotte. Bachelor 4?

**At Home Audience:** Wait. Didn't you get that Emmy?

_- Their protests are unheard as we continue._

**Bachelor 4:** Ladies choice. If she pays.

**Charlotte:** Oh, nice Bachelor 4. Now I see why only the dead can stand talking with you.

**Bachelor 4:** And I care what you think why?

**Bachelor 5:** We'd probably go for a fly.

**Charlotte:** And make me jump again? No thanks.

**Bachelor 5:** Hey, you were the one that couldn't wait to get out there and start badgering the islanders. I can land fine.

**Ben:** Yes. Except you let a cow ransack your helicopter. Bachelor 6?

**Charlotte:** Can everybody quit calling me a cow?!

**Bachelor 6: **We'd go and see Waaaaaaaaalt. He needs a new mother.

**Charlotte:** Right. I'll keep that in mind.

**Ben: ** Let's bring out the bachelors. I'm sure they're just waiting to see you. Some of them to kill you. Most of them to kill you. But you just have the habit of being one of those annoying characters, don't you Charlotte Lewis?

_- Behind the screen comes Keamy, Sayid, Daniel, Miles, Frank and Kevin "Michael" Johnson. Charlotte points at Kevin/Michael._

**Charlotte:** Oh, yeah. You were the deckhand. I heard you wrecked all the equipment. And tried some lame come on lines on Regina.

**Michael:** Creepy Ben forced me too just like he's forcing me to be on this show. And those were his lines too!

**Keamy:** Be a man.

**Sayid: **Yes for Waaaaaaalt.

**Charlotte:** So, I get Bachelor 4 now, right?

**Daniel:** 3. How is it you can't remember the number 3?

**Charlotte:** Oh, right.

**Ben:** I have Jacob's answer right here.

_- Ben holds up a folded piece of paper._

**Charlotte:** But I saw you scribble that just now.

**Ben:** Did you? Or did you want to see me scribble it?

**Charlotte: **Argh!

**Sayid:** Don't mind him. He likes to get in people's heads.

_- Ben opens the folded paper and reads it._

**Ben: **And the winner is... my lackey Sayid. Go ahead. Sleep with her. Murder her. Whatever it is you kids are doing these days.

**Charlotte:** What?

**Miles:** Tough break Charlotte.

**Charlotte:** But I pick Bachelor 4.

**Daniel: **3! The number is 3! I mean - I know you're not a physicist but surely you know the numbers 1 to 4!

**Ben:** Jacob has spoken, "luv".

**Charlotte:** Well you know what I bloody think about your game show? You all can get stuffed.

-_Charlotte grabs Dan, dips him and kisses him. He loosens his tie for the first time in twenty years. Fangirls drool._

**Charlotte: **There. I'm choosing bachelor 4... I mean 3. I mean... whatever, you know what I mean.

**Ben: **But... Jacob. Ohhh, you're making Jacob very angry.

**Charlotte:** Good. I want Jacob to get angry. I don't care. What's he going to do?

_- the Black Smoke Monster comes and ravages Keamy._

**Keamy: **Yah! Why am I only a minor character? This isn't fair! This wouldn't happen to the fat guy, or Ben... or crazy knife guy.

**Charlotte:** Come on Dan. We're going.

**Miles:** Hey guys, need a third wheel because it's getting kinda scary around here?

**Daniel:** Ye-yeah sure Miles. We can always use an-

**Charlotte:** Dan. Kindly shut up.

**Daniel: **Oh. Ok.

**Ben:** Let us bring out our next on the matchmaking list. Please welcome... wait. I can't be reading this right. Juliet?

_- Juliet comes out smiling and waving for the camera. Ben's glasses fall off his nose._

**Ben:** What's she doing here? Crew? Didn't we agree Juliet is to be matched with Vincent and Vincent only? Juliet. Go back to the Barracks.

**Juliet:** I live on the beach.

**Ben:** Juliet. Go. Back. To. The. Barracks.

**Sayid: **Juliet said she wanted a match, after Jack admitted his love for someone else. She says preferably anyone but Benjamin Linus. Should we open up the voting?

**Ben: **Oh, mark my words viewers. If you write any name down except Ben Linus times six... there will be killing. And it will not be Keamy this time.

**Keamy:** Yes! I live for another day.

* * *

**You've been threatened. But don't listen to Ben. Who should Juliet's matches be?**


End file.
